The East German Stasi were ruthless in their efficiency and efficacy at keeping tabs on the population and rooting out anyone they wanted anytime they wanted. The Department of Homeland Security, however, can’t seem to find any terrorists, so it’s spending its time on Boston Red Sox fans.

Ray LeMoine had just returned from a long trip to the Middle East, where he visited Turkey, Lebanon, Egypt, Pakistan and even Iraq, and on arrival at New York City’s John F. Kennedy International Airport, was detained by the Department of Homeland Security.

Surely this guy who had just spent months traveling all over terrorist hotbeds merited attention for that, right?

Wrong. As he tells it:

No, these frontline warriors in the global war on terrorism at Homeland Security had far more pressing issues to question me about. “Why did you infringe on the Boston Celtics’ copyright in Boston in 2003?” asked my case officer, Malik — ironically a Pakistani — from behind his high desk. Uh, because I used to sell T-shirts outside sporting events, I said, wondering what this had to do with national security.

“You’ve got a long record,” he said. Sure, for peddling “Yankees Suck” T-shirts — sans permit, which isn’t a crime but a code violation — not for promoting “Bin Laden Rulz!” DVDs or the “Idiot’s Guide to Suicide Bombing.”

“You know, we could have you sent up to Boston for the unresolved T-shirt infractions,” Malik said. “But what we’re holding you for is an NYPD bench warrant from 2004. You were in a fight with a parking attendant, found not guilty and then missed a court date.” All true. But how and why does Homeland Security share the NYPD’s jurisdiction in cases unrelated to counter-terrorism? A fight over a parking space hardly counts as terrorism.

“We’re calling NYPD to come to pick you up,” Malik told me, without asking a single question about Pakistan, terrorism, Islam or madrasas. — Los Angeles Times

No, they weren’t. Six hours later, DHS still hadn’t figured out how to call the New York Police Department — from JFK in Queens!

So as their shifts came to a close, they let LeMoine go, or it would have meant they had to stay for hours longer trying to figure out how to use the telephone. But they finally did get around to asking why he missed his court date. As it turns out he was on a humanitarian mission in Iraq.

I am so glad the Department of Homeland Security is protecting me from street vendors who don’t pay their parking tickets.

(Props.)