Jersey Shore? Fuhgeddaboudit. Jersey City is the gem of reality TV. Shore is MTV. Jersey City is FBI. Like, how real is that? Killer videos of pols talking trash and passing cash have been unspooling in federal court in Newark at the trial of Jersey City Deputy Mayor Leona Beldini. Beldini was busted last summer in an FBI sweep that corralled dozens of Jersey pols. It was one of the largest corruption roundups in Jersey's thick history of roundups.
Please join us for our great tradition: Al Gore singing classic Christmas Songs, with a global message!
An important and insightful look at an important and insightful (?) news story that means a great deal to all the cavemen in Washington, DC!
Your tax dollars at work!Happy Thanksgiving!
Google posted an apology for image search results in which the top image depicted first lady Michelle Obama as an ape. The image, however, was just one of dozens of images of celebrities and political figures altered to look like apes.
After years of writing about how governments abuse, murder, and imprison innocent people and destroy life around the world, I find that I have been wrong, really wrong. All this time, I wrongfully tried to convince readers that terrible things are done in the name of "good government," and now I have to apologize to them.
Festival planning sessions "led" by Abbie Hoffman, Jerry Rubin, and other luminaries at the Yippie House were chaotic and open to the dozens of crashers drifting in and out. Nothing like the war room strategy sessions imagined by fantasists on the right. Weird to see, four decades later, fantasists on the left spinning similar conspiracy theories about the masses of Tea Party protesters. Many of whom carry flags sporting rattlesnakes and the slogan "Don't Tread On Me."
When reading the account of the Expo I had to put Life, Inc. down and check the cover. Had Random House sent me an advance copy of the wrong book? Was this Bonfire of the Vanities Redux? Or had Mark Twain or Jim Thompson risen from the dead to re-skewer American grift? Nope. There was the short sweet title Life, Inc. Followed by . . .
Hit the road Halloween. For those who loathe politicians (count me in) there's no more horrific time than the final days of a presidential race. Our flesh creeps as the last candidates standing (sort of) do the Transylvania Twist faster and faster, spinning their true (sort of) beliefs on a dime and contorting themselves into whatever position seems ripe for the moment.
The Big Bailout Circus has the nation in stitches. Taxpayers are being sewn into a skin-tight forever suit by an amazingly bipartisan group of government clowns. But despite the agreement about the need for a slap dash redo of the U.S. financial system -- and by extension our political system -- the designing bozos disagree about details. And none can resist an occasional hit of the rubber chicken . . .
Cynicism is a sin in the Age Of Hope. But cynics won't go gently into the goody good night. . . .
Back in April (it seems like an eon of Clinton ago!) FBI Director Robert Mueller gave a speech to the American Bar Association titled "Corporate Fraud and Public Corruption: Are We Becoming More Crooked?" The question was left open. Mueller wrapped up with a Teddy Roosevelt quote: "Character, in the long run, is the decisive factor in the life of an individual, and of nations alike."
"What are you working on today, Madam President?" asked Doctor Murchison."My plan to fix the housing crisis," said Hillary, without looking up.
Albany. The capital of New York. The heart of state government. Can't you feel the rhythm of the beat? Lub dub lub dub. Pols who make it there, don't need to go anywhere -- they can stay in Albany forever and ever and ever. The governor's mansion is akin to the hotel in "The Shining." After taking over, the new guy always goes barmy. He doesn't even have to live in it. Just throw an occasional reception.
Are you an American terrorist sympathizer but don't know how to strike back at the Great Satan? Afraid of getting arrested while your plot to blow up something or other is still half-baked? You don't have to worry anymore. Now, the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Central Intelligence Agency want to hire you.
Hot damn. The government is going to stimulate the economy. Not with a lap dance or lubricated love glove, but with taxpayer dollars. Come summer, Mister and Miz America will get a rebate from Uncle Sam. What a man! Some people will get more than a thou of their own money back. Consumers will rush out and pump the economy. Wal-Mart here we come. Simultaneously, just like in romance novels.
Halloween 2009. A big night at Castle Clinton. Aka the White House. Even though Bill Clinton is the first black ex-president, his face glows phosphorescent. Bill is thrilled. President Hillary has raised him from the international dead zone to serve as co-host of her first Halloween bash. "The Shadow Party" has Washington abuzz. Anybody who is anybody is coming to the costume ball.
Since September 11, 2001, getting in to the U.S. as a foreign visitor has become a harrowing experience. So much so, in fact, that foreign tourism is down 17% as many tourists choose to spend their holidays elsewhere rather than be poked, prodded, searched, fingerprinted and verbally abused by U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents.Not to fear, though; the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and Department of State have done something about it.
Town aldermen in Dover, N.J., worried that terrorists could attack the town's children by poisoning gumballs in coin-operated gumball machines, have launched an inspection of every machine they can find.
You won't believe how much fun the New York State political scene has been this Summer! Like Uncle Ira says, ain’t nothing more persistent than chicken thieves who’ve gotten used to easy pickins.
With a groan of pleasure akin to torment, George surged into the Fertile Crescent again and again.
If you're an American reading this, then under expansive definitions being used by the Federal Bureau of Investigation and several states in their counterterrorism training, you just might be a domestic terrorist.
"Federal, State, and local governments are responsive, innovative, and effective because of the outstanding work of public servants."If you believe that, I've got some critical infrastructure to sell you. But Congress certainly seems to believe it, unless they've recently taken to passing satire off as Congressional resolutions.
Boston became the laughingstock of the country earlier this year after two incidents in which it responded to harmless devices as if they were real terrorist threats. Now Sen. Ed Kennedy (D-Mass.) wants to make absurd overreaction into national policy.
Until this week, the only people who really hated the Jersey Guys were corrupt politicians. Now, corrupt state troopers hate them, too.Craig Carton and Ray Rossi walked out in the middle of their popular afternoon talk radio show and took their families into hiding after learning of a press conference in which New Jersey state police union leader David Jones gave out their home addresses and threatened to "crush" the people who leaked anonymous Internet postings by state troopers in which they apparently were plotting a ticket-writing blitz.
If you're a potential threat, and you want to get those critical pictures of a bridge or a nuclear reactor, what do you do? After all, these days you're bound to have cops on your ass within minutes.
Joshua Bell is perhaps America's finest classical musician. Just this week he accepted the Avery Fisher Prize for his accomplishments. I admit I wouldn't know; I've never been much into classical music. But I can recognize stupidity anywhere.
In case you haven't noticed, there haven't been any posts here in several days. This is primarily because I've been wrapped up with another project which has taken up virtually all of my time since the last post. To make it up to you, I'm just going to give you links to several interesting items in my unread list for you to enjoy.
With each presidential election the candidates seem more proscribed and the selection process more truncated. Inner party poopers, talking heads and big money try to seal the deal before the ink is dry on the last guy. This time the dumb beats loudest for Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. Hillary and Rudy are more alike than they're different.
In honor of Star Wars' 30th anniversary, the United States Postal Service is unveiling a new commemorative stamp March 29. And my very own Lincoln, Neb., is one of 200 cities nationwide to be selected for a new mailbox to mark the event.
The Department of Homeland Security is moving its headquarters to a lunatic asylum. As Dave Barry is fond of saying, I am not making this up.
The easiest way to get past airport security, without going through airport security, is to have an accommodating employee take you around the back way into the supposedly sterile area. Why would an airport employee do that?There are at least two possible reasons. The first is that the employee is helping terrorists. The second is that the passenger is former Vice President Al Gore.
Everyone hates going into the post office, and yet everyone has to do it sooner or later. The lines are almost always long, and you're guaranteed to be waiting and waiting and waiting. But never fear, the United States Postal Service is doing something about it. They're removing their wall clocks.
On January 31, Boston and Massachusetts officials terrorized that city and made asses of themselves in the national news. And they extorted $2 million and almost ruined two people's lives over a cartoon character they intentionally mischaracterized as a threat. Apparently trying to repeat their performance, they sent the bomb squad out again Wednesday to blow up another "suspicious device" in Boston's financial district. Only this time, the plan to extort some other hapless company backfired in their faces.
Police these days are seeing bombs everywhere, even though there really aren't any actual bombs. It's clear that they need help.
(Update 2: TSA's web site was not hacked after all. See below.)Don't you just love the men and women at the Transportation Security Administration?
Ever had a job where you had to sit at your desk for hours, waiting on the clock, even when there was absolutely no work to be done? That, it seems, is what the Democrats have done to Congress. One Representative was heard to quip, "We're cramming two days of work into five days."
Do you ever get the feeling the government isn't listening? If you've ever written your Member of Congress, you just might get the idea that while they're "keeping your views in mind," they really don't care what you think.
On Wednesday, an Earth crybaby whose brain is messed up spotted Ignignokt and Err in Boston -- and called the police.
In the bulging roster of corrupt pols who serve the people on the Eastern Seaboard, few provide as many black laughs as the Asselin clan of Springfield, Massachusetts. Even the klown kings of Jersey can't hold a candle.
The Transportation Security Administration is making changes to its procedures, retraining its employees, and hiring terrorist sympathizers.
Internal Revenue Service documents show that the government is still trying to recover nearly $2.8 billion in back taxes from over 450,000 active and retired federal government employees who failed to file tax returns or pay taxes, or some 3.3 percent of the federal bureaucracy.
On Saturday, a source in the Army in Baghdad was able to find a computer with functioning e-mail and sent out eight shocking images of U.S. troops doing unspeakable things to Iraqi citizens. After carefully reviewing the images, I am convinced there is a compelling public interest in publishing the images.Parents are cautioned that these images, as the source who obtained the photos said, "are graphic and may cause a physical reaction."
Most people, for some odd reason, care deeply about how their driver's license photo appears. They want it to be just perfect. And yet the pictures seem to always come out bad anyway.But when you go in to the DMV and you actually want your picture to look bad, the pictures which actually come out are pretty funny.
A lot of you will be getting on planes this evening or this weekend to go home and spend the holidays with friends and relatives.Here are a few tips to make your journey through the airport a little less of a nightmare and a little more of a joyous occasion.
The company which built much of the U.S. border fence in San Diego, Calif., agreed to pay $5 million in fines for hiring illegal immigrants.
Running a Web site like this, I get a lot of strange e-mail. And I don't mean the spam, though some of that is pretty strange. I also get a wide assortment of hate mail, though less of it than I'd expect. A couple of things that came in lately, though ...
The Department of Defense is engaging in yet another war -- this time, against binge drinking. And it's called in reinforcements to wage a propaganda campaign to win the hearts and minds of the population, its own servicemembers.
Research done by Tel Aviv University Professor of Psychology Avner Ziv confirms that students retain more information when humor is used effectively to illustrate important points. Of course, humor is very subjective, but here is a roundup of stories that I have run into recently that are at least worth a smile.
With each passing day, airport security becomes even more surreal. It's becoming increasingly clear to even the infrequent traveler that Homeland Security has become just another government bureaucracy more interested in enforcing its rules without rhyme or reason than in keeping anyone safe. Here are a few bizarre things that happened over the Thanksgiving holiday.
"We have a serious problem in this country," says security expert Bruce Schneier, who gets a hat tip for this week's TSA Follies. "The TSA operates above, and outside, the law. There's no due process, no judicial review, no appeal."Nor, it seems, is there any intelligence, or even plain old common sense. But if we're lucky, we can have a good laugh.
When the police arrived, they arrested the dog's owner -- not for allowing his dog to dial 911 on his cell phone, but for the 150 marijuana plants he had growing in the house.Despite the fact that he was doing absolutely nothing wrong by growing marijuana, that isn't what this post is about. Instead, it's about the extent of human stupidity.
Airport security is in good hands with the Transportation Security Administration . . . and monkeys might fly out of my butt.The TSA's new motto is "Vigilant, Effective, Efficient." Let's see about that. Here are four examples of how the TSA seems to be, well, a bad joke.
As Halloween recedes, Turkey Day looms. Yessir, the elections are upon us. But not all the monsters have decamped. Shove over inflatable Pilgrims and plastic Santas. The ghoulish denizens of Party City have decided to hang in our yard FOREVER.
The Transportation Security Administration . . . Vigilant, Effective, Efficient. Yes, and pigs can fly, too.Here are three examples of how the TSA is keeping you less secure, and giving a good laugh to those of us with enough sense to stay away from airports as long as the government is in charge of security.
"This is your final boarding call for Al Kyder and Terry Wrist."If you really are an Al-Qaeda terrorist, a satirical television series, or Robert Johnson, getting past the no-fly list and the security checkpoint could be as simple as, well, making up a name and printing your own boarding pass.
After a screwup by government bureaucrats spending federal homeland security money in which they embarrassed themselves by accidentally selling off the $8,000 copier they'd just acquired for pennies on the dollar, the bureaucrats are, instead of being sensible and moving on, are being even more stupid and preparing to spend even more money to get "their" copier back.But the story of the copier reveals these bureaucrats aren't your garden variety stupid. They're colossally, phenomenally, incredibly stupid.
The Department of Homeland Security is having all kinds of trouble with its various data mining, natural language and other programs to vacuum in the entire content of the Internet and find potential threats to the nation.So I thought I could lend them a hand.
For the past few weeks, the Central Intelligence Agency has been airing commercials on the Discovery Channel and other channels in an effort to recruit more scientists and engineers, and the commercial is terribly lame.Watch for yourself.
We've all seen how stupid security has gotten. And most of us have had to go through some intrusive, outrageous procedures in the name of security. So why aren't we secure? Security expert Bruce Schneier calls it "security theater," feel-good measures which give the appearance of doing something, but are ineffective at best, and tyrannical at worst.Now Privacy International is looking for the world's dumbest "security" measures.
National Preparedness Month is this September. According to the Department of Homeland Security, it is an effort to "encourage Americans to prepare for emergencies in their homes, businesses and schools."And you won't believe the sorts of activities they have planned.
Within the next five years, the federal government will implode, losing up to half its workforce, and up to 70 percent of its most senior staff, to retirement, creating a significant "brain drain" all across the government.This is easily the best news I've heard all week.
"The state is the Supreme Court. Our decision is as follows: No more private property. No more you."You are nothing. The state is everything.America spent a good part of the 20th century battling that message, and inexplicably, just as it seemed we were winning, gave up and adopted the message as its own.
Are your children in public school?If they are, get them out now, before it's too late.Otherwise, this is what could happen:
The biggest problem with homeland security as it's been presented to us is this: How do you know you're secure if you can't even provide a coherent definition for the word?That's the question that comes to mind as I consider several so-called secure phone lines run by the Department of Homeland Security.
The East German Stasi were ruthless in their efficiency and efficacy at keeping tabs on the population and rooting out anyone they wanted anytime they wanted. The Department of Homeland Security, however, can't seem to find any terrorists, so it's spending its time on Boston Red Sox fans.
If you're like most of us, your e-mail box fills up daily with pure junk. I'm not just talking about spam, though that's certainly a problem. I'm talking about chain letters, stupid jokes forwarded 384 times, news you don't need, even wedding invitations.Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff found a solution to his e-mail problem: He no longer uses it.
Security officers at the Department of Homeland Security's headquarters building in Washington, D.C., let pass a man who used a fake Mexican consular identification card to gain entry to the building.
If you want to make a better life for yourself, if you have long-range goals, or if you reject collective ideologies such as socialism and Communism, Seattle Public Schools say you're a racist.
The National Libertarian Party unveiled a redesigned web site Sunday, and as part of the redesign it's offering what it calls its "Politician Removal Service."
You have certainly seen the "Anti-Drug" commercials on television. You know, the ones that encourage kids to find some more interesting or useful alternative to doing drugs. Well, a new study comes up with a startling conclusion: watching anti-marijuana commercials actually reduces negative attitudes toward marijuana. And as usual, there's a government contractor behind the scenes raking in the taxpayer dough.
If you're a terrorist leader, one would expect you know how to do simple things like operate a rifle, and one would expect that the people around you would also know how to handle their weapons. Not Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. In video captured by U.S. forces and released Thursday, al-Zarqawi is seen struggling to operate an American-made M249 rifle, while his aides do stupid things such as grab the rifle by its barrel and burn themselves.
If you've been a long time reader around here, you know that I spend my days pointing out all the problems caused by our government, and the devastating toll they take on all of our lives. I don't always point out the solutions, though. So today I'm going to propose some solutions.
Marc Ecko of Ecko Unlimited broke into a government facility where one of the Boeing 747 planes which serve as Air Force One was parked, and tagged it with graffiti. Ecko then posted video of the tagging online, along with a video statement of "why I tagged the President's plane."
The Flying Spaghetti Monster has proved, once and for all, that Windows is less secure than Linux.
"The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws." -- TacitusSo reads a sticker on one of fifteen toilets in the back yard of Anderson Twp., Ohio, residents Robin Sutton and Allen Lade.After the city decided to install a sidewalk running along their property, the couple wanted to put up a fence, for privacy and the safety of their grandchildren. The township denied their request for a zoning variance, though, and in protest, up went the toilets.
I may have nothing to hide, but that doesn't mean I'm going to show it to you. Come back with a warrant.
Going to a private Catholic high school is no guarantee of getting a good education, as several students of Padua Academy, a girls' school in Wilmington, Delaware, found out, when boys from Salesianum School, the Catholic boys' school across town, came over and asked Padua students to sign a petition to end women's suffrage and videotaped them doing it.
The House of Representatives and Senate both voted Saturday in favor of a Constitutional amendment to repeal the Bill of Rights, the first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution. The proposal had overwhelming bipartisan support, receiving a 371-55 vote in the House, and a 91-8 vote in the Senate. The proposed amendment now goes to the states for ratification.
We have plenty of terrorist threats to worry about already. They could pack a bus full of explosives, or blow up a subway with a baby carriage, or release deadly chemicals from crop dusters. But the truth is, Americans just aren't afraid enough, so we need your help to create some more terrorist threats.
"Who knows best how to use your money -- the politicians in Washington, or you?"That was the question President George W. Bush asked in his weekly radio address this morning.The answer, of course, is the politicians in Washington.
Vice President Dick Cheney will go skeet shooting at the Quantico Shooting Club on the Quantico Marine Corps Base today, Homeland Stupidity has learned.
Government bureaucrats are the same everywhere. That is, they're stupid. And today's stupid bureaucrat is Jerry Taylor, city manager for Tuttle, Oklahoma.
A group of people held downtown Fernandina Beach, Fla., hostage Thursday night, reported the local weekly newspaper.That group of people was the local SWAT team.
This week's roundup of stupid news headlines comes from the Department of Recto-Cranial Inversion.
I suppose it's time for my annual post about how much Bill O'Reilly sucks. Usually I stay away from this because he does such a great job of making a fool of himself on his own, and if you go anywhere near his no spin zone, your head is going to start spinning.I should also say that I don't really care about his ongoing feud with Keith Olbermann, except insofar as it seems to bring out the worst in Bill O'Reilly. Here's a prime example:
If you look at Internet pornography at the public library, you just might be a redneck terrorist.So, apparently, thought two officers of the security division of the Montgomery County, Md., Homeland Security Department, which provides unarmed security guards to county buildings.
Have you suffered physical and emotional distress because your secret spying program was revealed?Who did the President turn to when he needed someone to defend his domestic spying program?"The law firm of Gonzales, Watchu & Howe is here to help. I'm Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and I will defend your right to spy on Americans."
I haven't done this in a while either, so here's yet another edition of quick news headlines to discuss around the water cooler while you reflect on how much better off you are because you had the happy fortune to be born inside the United States of America, and screw the rest of the world.
When you're President of the United States, you know your political career is in trouble when prominent members of your own party are criticizing your decisions. And what a criticism it was. Rep. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) said today that if Bush believed he could just conduct surveillance on Americans without getting a warrant, "He's smoking [Old] Dutch Cleanser."
Last month I reported that the Army had hired public relations firm Hass MS&L to provide "exclusive editorial content" to military bloggers, consisting of "an official counter to the perceived unwillingness of the mainstream media to report the ‘good news’ from Iraq and the war on terror," according to national security reporter William Arkin.The first such content has surfaced, and it's being panned as "lame."
Our most recent poll asked readers which party they would vote for in 2006. The results weren't terribly surprising, and I'll probably run the same question again in August or September. For now, here are the results.
Hm, it seems that if you aren't a member of Congress, it's illegal to make political statements inside the Capitol building. Two, count them, two people were thrown out of Tuesday night's State of the Union address, apparently for trying to do just that. One of them, of course, was Cindy Sheehan, who reportedly tried to unfurl a banner in the House gallery. The other person was the wife of one of the members of Congress.
In a system of two parties, two chambers, and two elected branches, there will always be differences and debate. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger. To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of goodwill and respect for one another -- and I will do my part. Tonight the state of our Union is strong -- and together we will make it stronger.
Keene, N.H., police officers going to Dunkin' Donuts ran into a problem: The store's computers went haywire anytime they pulled in.
You think you're having trouble getting through airport security? Try being the chairman of Qantas.
The December 7 South Park season finale, entitled "Bloody Mary," got Catholics' blood boiling over scenes it claims were offensive. The Catholic League called for the show to be permanently retired and excluded from future DVD releases.But Comedy Central refused to cave to pressure.
Alert reader Tony Street sent me a snapshot from the inside front cover of Consumer Reports magazine showing part of a letter from FEMA to various homeowners in flood-prone areas offering flood insurance.
In a dramatic change expected to improve the Bush administration's communications with the media and the public, the White House has begun to use boldface type in its press briefings.
Join the members of the Liberty Conspiracy as they discuss issues ranging from the "Incorporation Doctrine" and gun rights, to the NBA, to protests conducted at military funerals, protests that are being challenged by government, and which will be heard by the philosopher kings in the U.S. Supreme Court.
When neoconservative Ben Stein accused Congressman Ron Paul of being antisemitic for merely wanting to ask WHY Islamic terrorists want to attack the civilians living under western governments that have meddled in the Mideast, the members of the Conspiracy could not sit by silently.
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