With each presidential election the candidates seem more proscribed and the selection process more truncated. Inner party poopers, talking heads and big money try to seal the deal before the ink is dry on the last guy. This time the dumb beats loudest for Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. If Hillary and Rudy wind up the people’s choice they’ll be a killer combo platter. Little dif between the chow fun and lo mein but plenty of ptomaine.
Hillary and Rudy are more alike than they’re different. For instance, both are first name celebs. A familiarity that breeds contempt. Debates between Hillary and Rudy will evoke Britney vs. Madonna. Americans have traditionally called most presidents by their surnames. Or their initials. As in — FDR, JFK, LBJ. Ike got away with a nickname because he was Ike. Hillary and Rudy aren’t. Which is something else they have in common.
Both are also thin skinned and vindictive, with closets full of skeletons. Imagine the clatter as each side fires ammo from the other’s boneyard! No attack will go unavenged. Salvo will meet salvo. Hillary and Rudy will try to appear above the fray while their secret armies get busy. By the time either one ascends to the throne their image will be in tatters. The public will know everything they didn’t want to and were afraid to ask — thereby cutting the normal time it takes voters to become disillusioned with presidents down to nada. Campaign bitterness will fester in partisan breasts and calls for impeachment will begin on Inauguration Day. If Hillary wins her enemies will have a leg up: there are still all those boxes of Impeach Clinton bumper stickers in the back offices of the vast right wing conspiracy. Hillary’s conspiracy peeps need to get printing NOW. Lest they be caught with their pants down.
Another Hillary and Rudy similarity: they’ll both slog on in Iraq forever. Yeah yeah Hillary talks a little anti war but she knows lip service like George Hamilton knows toasted. Despite party labels Hillary and Rudy are essentially neo liberals, a breed closely akin to neo conservatives. The canniest crew who ever destroyed a country in the name of democratizing it. While campaigning Hillary and Rudy will do the Mesopotamian Shuffle. Hillary will look back in anger at WMD duplicity but play the hawk in all the right places. Rudy will promise to make Baghdad as safe as Times Square, but won’t mention that his top cop and security firm partner Bernie Kerik botched setting up a police force in Iraq right after the 2003 invasion.
As for illegal immigration, neither Hillary nor Rudy will rock the Chamber of Commerce. Neo libs, like neo cons, worship the great god Kookamooka. Aka the global economy. Though Hillary, while campaigning, will suck up to labor. And Rudy won’t mention how Giuliani Partners LLC, after collecting a $4.3 million consulting fee, didn’t manage to make Mexico City as safe as Times Square.
Talking New York, Hillary and Rudy are 2 peas in an Empire State pod. The state’s pork seeking pols are praying Hillary and Rudy top the national tickets. The good times will roll no matter who wins. Being New Yorkers also makes it easier for Hillary or Rudy to sell the Brooklyn Bridge when they find a buyer. After all, there must be somebody out there who believes they’d cut federal spending, reduce the size of government, or be big on protecting individual freedoms.
Hillary and Rudy are government lovers. Not the slightest light can be seen between them. Hillary might tweak government power more in one direction and Rudy in another, but both would go for the bloat. The Hillary/Rudy beast is the embodiment of a two party system which has morphed into one entity re essential political philosophy.
One last similar thing. As president, either Hillary or Rudy would be great as America’s Next Top Comic Model. Both are prime caricature material. Hillary’s YouTube turn as Big Sister was a natural and Rudy was captured in all his snarky Nixonian glory on a recent cover of New York Magazine. Coincidentally, guess which presidents have appeared most often on the cover of MAD Magazine? Nixon and Bill Clinton! Tying at three times each. Though Bill Clinton might have the edge since MAD’s “Special Clinton Bashing Issue” in September 1997, had a cover which by some accounts was the magazine’s “strongest political statement ever.”* Sad to think Alfred E. Neuman was part of the vast conspiracy. Ah well. What me worry. Move over Dick and Bill. Rudy or Hill may soon fill your MAD shoes.
* MAD: Cover To Cover, By The Usual Gang of Idiots, With Running Commentary by Frank Jacobs, E.C. Publications, 2000
Carola Von Hoffmannstahl-Solomonoff
Send comments or confidential tips to: